A lovely young lady whom I simply can’t say enough good things about just wrote a blog post about cultivating joy as part of being a godly wife, and I totally agree with her. That’s one of the things that my husband often mentions when he tells me things that he loves about me. He has said many times that he has never seen such joy in any one, and that no one has ever made him feel such joy as I have.
I have been called happy, joyful, bubbly and cheerful. Just this afternoon a customer at my place of work told me that she appreciated my cheeriness. In high school a friend of mine jokingly theorized that my brain must be made of marihuana, because he couldn’t believe that anyone could be so happy all the time. A few years ago at church someone told me not to lose my smile because it lights up the room.
Why then do I struggle with depression?
Oh yes, quite the sharp turn I just took there. Well, that’s what life is often like for me emotionally. One sharp turn after another. Lately I’m beginning to wonder if I’m manic depressive.
But what is the cause? Well, I believe there are a few sub causes that all fit under one main cause. I think the first sub cause is my attempt to justify each and every mood swing. I don’t like thinking that what I’m feeling might not be justified. I just want to feel. Unfortunately I do have to acknowledge when my mood swings are completely uncalled for eventually. I don’t usually do that though…
Another sub cause would be my tendency to destroy my own self esteem. When others see a minor slip up in me I see a landslide of failure, and I just continuously put myself down until I am convinced that I have degraded myself as much as I deserve.
Another sub cause is my habit of remaining in my basement suite by myself whenever I have free time. I am very protective of my alone time and am unwilling to spare any of it if I feel that even a tiny portion of it is under threat. This sub cause leads to another sub cause which is a lack of sunlight.
Basically, I am resisting correction, resisting mercy, and resisting relationship.
What major cause could all these sub causes fit into, you may ask?
Well, I’m trying to be the god of my own life.
I decide when my thoughts or behaviours should or should not be corrected or when they are justified.
I decide when I should or should not receive mercy.
I decide when people are allowed in my life.
I’m trying to be the god of my own life, and as a result the joy of the Lord is escaping my grasp. If I am to find the joy of the Lord again I must first accept that He is God and I am not, and begin living my life accordingly.
All glory belongs to God. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end. I must behave in accordance with this truth. Then the joy of the Lord will be in me again. 🙂
Thank you for reading my blog. God bless you!!! 🙂