Fifth entry! 😀 If anyone reading this also reads the bible, perhaps read Jeremiah 17:5-10 before or after reading this. 🙂 If you want to.
A few months ago – probably just a few months under a year ago – I wrote a short story. It started with me asking myself the very question that this story starts with, and then answering myself. This is what came of that.
“Why do you resist life and seek out death?” said my spirit to my flesh.
“Because sometimes it is easier to die than it is to live,” said my flesh to my spirit. “Death is quick to take its prize and presses in where it is not welcome, or it sneaks in and weakens you day by day and bit by bit without you knowing it. Life, on the other hand, waits to be invited. Death comes in at all directions, but life waits only at one door. Sometimes it is easier to surrender to the onslaught of death than it is to open the door and bid life ‘Come in’.”
“Oh my dear, you have deceived yourself,” said my spirit to my flesh. “If life is waiting for you, and you have only to bid ‘Come in’ upon opening the door that you know it stands behind, than all that is stopping you is either your pride or your fear. Do you not trust that life will do as it should, as it has promised? Do you believe that it is only death masquerading as life? Do you believe that you can do without it? Speak my dear, and tell me what stops you from doing what is good.”
“Perhaps it is both,” said my flesh to my spirit. “Perhaps I do not trust what is knocking at the door to my heart, and feel that I should do well without it.”
“If that is the case my dear,” said my spirit to my flesh, “then you had better shut up and let me deal with it. You know nothing of life, for you have spent far too much time in the company of death. Step down, do not hinder me, for I know what to do.”
“Be silent,” said my flesh to my spirit, “for I am the one who knows best here. Do you think I do not know what is behind that door? I know! It is life, but it wishes to control me. I will not be controlled!”
“Are you mad?” said my spirit to my flesh. “Do you not know that life is the only way to be full of the power that you seek? Are you a fool? Speak and answer me. Why do you seek that which will take away what you desire?”
“I seek nothing of the sort!” said my flesh to my spirit. “I know what I seek, and it is not what stands behind that door.”
“Fool!” said my spirit to my flesh. “You ignore the One who gives you life because you are too stubborn and proud to bow down to Him! Be silent! Step down! Do not hinder me! I know what to do!”
“You know nothing!” said my flesh to my spirit.
“Be silent!” said my spirit to my flesh. “I have had enough of this. I will open the door and you will not stand in the way of He who comes in! Shut up, and never speak again, for I am serving the Lord. If you do not serve Him then you must be silent.”
My flesh fell silent, and my spirit opened the door. My spirit immediately fell to the feet of the One who stood outside and cried aloud in tears, “Oh my Lord, please come in! I have awaited your coming for longer than I wish to recall! Please, come in!” and my Lord did as my spirit requested. My spirit rejoiced and began singing to my Lord, and my Lord blessed my spirit. My spirit is ever grateful, and never stops thanking my Lord.
My flesh remains silent, but it awaits another time to fight with my spirit, for it is still not convinced that this Lord is good and worthy of praise.
Interestingly enough, this dialogue in my head happened around the time that the current Pastor at my congregation was talking about what is referred to in Romans as the “old self”. Romans 6:6 I guess my “old self” was still fighting against my new life in Christ. In fact, the time when I wrote this was also a few months after I had attempted suicide (and luckily failed), and was spending a lot of time talking to someone online who also seemed to be losing interest in life.
I think that God allowed me to hear the battle that was going on inside me. It is a battle that happens every day, but I believe my spirit becomes stronger with each victory. However, when the flesh has victory, it also becomes stronger (or rather it’s weakness becomes dominant in me). It’s a hard battle.
Well, I think that’s all I should write now. Thank you for reading my blog!
~As soon as I get out of the habit of listening to God’s truth, I get into the habit of lying to myself.~